I must be too annoying 4 u.
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
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