Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Randomize
