I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
