The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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