Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
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