this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
