i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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