May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize