i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
