Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Soap is not a condiment
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
