if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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