Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
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