Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Randomize
