The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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