I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
