I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Randomize
