So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize