i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
