I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
