Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
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