1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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