dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
