Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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