Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
The best revenge is premature balding
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Randomize
