you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
