She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
