Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
