Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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