Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
