i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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