Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
