Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
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