It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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