Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
