i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
