My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
