Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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