kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
