I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I'm really busy with my period
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