Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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