Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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