....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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