Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Randomize
