cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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