My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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