This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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