Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
