You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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