I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
