I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
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