Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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