After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
