the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Randomize
