I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize