There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
