He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
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