When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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