I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
