So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Randomize
