Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
