I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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