there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
