He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
