when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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